i update my tumblr now instead of my lj. i figured it'd be a little easier for my family to understand.

http://www.starbrightt.tumblr.com

so, i have another 7-8-9 weeks of a child free life. i don't even know what to do with myself. i'm so nervous and afraid, but at the same time i'm so excited. i can't wait to meet him, to see what hes gonna look like.. i want to know what part of me he got. if he has his papas eyes.

speaking of his papa, me and joe are perfect. we've never been better than when i've been pregnant, i just hope i love him this much once the babys here and not in my tummy. i've loved him so much lately that i can't even let go of him when we're cuddeling. i just want to kiss him and be near him. i really hope this dosen't fade. we're perfect together, and having brayden here will just make us all the more perfect. i don't know what i was ever thinking when i said i didn't love him very much. i was so wrong.

my whole room is almost ready. we just have a lot of work to do on the crib. we can't figure out anything about it.. its so hard to put together. other than that, though, everythings ready. theres a lot of things i didn't get at the baby shower, and so i have a lot of things i need to pick up.. but thats okay.

ah i'll finish this later.

Oh he treats me with respect
He says he loves me all the time
He calls me 15 times a day
He likes to make sure that I'm fine
You know I've never met a man who's made me feel quite so secure
He's not like all them other boys
They're all so dumb and immature

i hope you know that even though i don't show it anymore, i still love the hell out of you. i couldn't do this without you. i couldn't go through such a life changing, emotional, extreme event without you by my side. no other boy would do this the way you do, and when i squeeze your hand or hug you i never want to let go. i love you more than i could ever love someone else, other than the little jumping bean in my belly. the truth is that i honestly beat myself up over how i can't spend time with you anymore. you're just so damn busy, and when you aren't, theres always something wrong with my hormones. its destroying me, and you're all i want and all i need. and as i'm laying in my bed typing this i wish you'd just show up and cuddle on my couch with me. no sex, no making out, just cuddeling. please. thats all i want from you right now.i want you to hug me and kiss me and promise me everything will be all right, and that we can do this, together, because i'm not so sure we can. i'm scared shitless, and all i want is to cry and have you whipe those tears away. i'm seventeen and pregnant. i am. the idea of that scares the shit out of me. i'm not as happy as i should be, and that scares me. i'm not ready for this baby, but i'm gonna take it into the world with open arms and love it more than anything. i already love it.

i miss you joseph. i miss us. i wish you didn' have work today.

with my labtop back i finally feel like i can let my emotions out again, which is definetley a good thing for me. i need that right now. recently i've felt so bottled up, so full, so to the brim, that i can't even take having a small argument without feeling like i am gonna burst. i'm so fragile right now and i don't know why. theres this glass feeling right now, and every words are stones. every single one is cracking at me more and more.

i need to take a shower. this sucks, like i really do. i'm kind of pissed because i'm now aloud to take one this late at night.. and i realised htat i need one and that if i sweat in teh night, i'm gonna wake up with greasy hair. this isn't something i'd usually write about on livejournal, but this is a serious matter. just like my emotions in arguments are intense, so are my self concious feelings. if my hair looks shitty tomorow, i am probably going to start talking about it non stop. god i'm one annoying young girl. so fuckin' annoyinggg.

" in heaven, you get to eat cookies for dinner. its much better than here. here you spend all of your life looking for someone to love you, and most people never find that."

i've found that. i need to learn how to embrace it, how to treat him better. but most of all i need to stop letting the faults getting to me, because oh boy are they getting to me. i am just wishing you'd be nicer to me, you know. more caring. i wish you'd make me feel special. make me feel like i'm important. make me feel loved, and beautiful without saying it. plan something special. buy ME things when you have extra money, not give your friends gas money so you guys can do stupid shit. i just once want to feel special. and please by the way remember that i'm a girl. you can't treat me like you can your friends.

p.s yes i did quote will and grace up there, get out of here.

so lets keep things quiet until the rest of the street falls asleep

and its not fair when god plays god. its not fair how he gets to choose who lives, who dies. i want to be able to make that descion. no one good would die. no one good would cry. this life in unfair, and if i had a choice i would choose a different one.

how can it be that everything is so cruel to people that don't deserve it? there are rapists, murders, hunters and shit that deserve so much worse than whats happening to others here. and fuck giving up on people. i am SO sick of people giving up on people. i would try anything, anything to fight it, anything to let someone live. i would spend all of my money, i wouldn't eat for months, as long as that person can breath for a couple more hours atleast to say goodbye to people. i don't even know him really, but i'm pissed. this isen't fair, i'm upset and right now i am deciding against god. i am sick of god, for the things hes done to people. its just NOT fair.

what happened to karma?

and i mean, i never said i was great. i never said i wasn't ever going to make a mistake. i never phsyically ever stated that i wouldn't mess up once or twice. was i expecting to mess up at that kind of extreme? oh of course not. but i feel like for some reason, in my bed that night we kind of clicked more than we ever have before. and i felt horrible and more horrible then i have ever felt. and i know now how much i love you. somtimes you need things like this for you to open your eyes. i am no longer questioning any of it. i know i would love to fall asleep with you again, under different circumstances. you are the one. you are my one.

every week its a different song. a different song is stuck deep deep inside of my head urging me to press the play button over and over again. addiction. maybe, just maybe. ' leave that man be ' by akissforjersey is my brains pick of the week. i am not being upset about that either. this song could save my life, if it ever needed saving. " you're my saving grace " i have a feeling you will save it before any song really has to, though.

i want to go to a show. i want to go to a show and completley zone out and zone into the music. i want to be in a different reality and think i'm the only one there. i want to waste my money on pointless 20 dollar cover and maybe even a silly looking 25 dollar shirt. i don't want to waste it on anything else. i am saving up. seriously, like you may think i'm kidding but seriously. i have had 150 dollars for two days now and hardly spent any of it. that is a record like no other record. i am shocked, alright. but i almost bought a pair of 50 dollar shoes on my way out of the mall. this is going to be hard work.

i want to be invited to do things with you and your friends or something. or when you're hanging out with amanda or gracie ( you know, gracie the girl that could possibly be my friend ) i want to be asked if i want to too. but you automatically assume that i won't, and its not fair. you want me all to yourself and to no one else. you don't like me being around you when i'm around others. you just want it to be me and you. you and me. us .

i am not complainging, but okay maybe i am complaining a little.

i'm turning 17 in a matter of only eight hours, do i feel any older then i felt last year? do i even feel any different then i did then? well, no. i'm the exact same girl only a little more reserved, a bit more calm, and gives in to almost anything. i don't know where my life is heading like i did about five posts back where i said i knew where my life is going to end up, the truth is have no idea where its gonna end up.

the summers almost over and i don't even have any idea what school i'm going to next year. i have no idea what boy my head is pushing for. and fuck this whole job thing. my lifes kind of becoming a mess and i really hope no one reads this. i don't want sympathy.

it has been my favorite, forever.

1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

i think back too often of melissa, and i think of how silly we were to make such a big deal of it. i also think of how, that one moment, changed my whole life. i will always rememeber that night. it was so different from other nights at sanford, it was like a black sky was permantly cast on the school. i entered counseling after that night, but i never told the counsler exactly how i felt. i left class a lot, to see ms beltran, because i couldn't take people talking about it. ' did you know, melissa tried to kill herself in the band room' well, people started making up lies anyways, but that really was the truth. she had tried. she was stupid, and she couldn't, but she had tried.

the fact that she wanted to kill herself, because of us, hurts me everyday. but the fact that she couldn't have possibly done it with what she had, and that the reason makes no sence at all - really i don't ever factor that in. the fact she could hardley talk to us after she did it, and the fact that they kicked her out because of it. I grew up that night. I will never grow in one year as much as i grew that night.

i don't even know who i've told this story to, but you won't get me until you know it. i was careless before melissa, i honestly, was careless. i didn't care about ANYTHING. my family problems, the boys i was dating every week, my grades, my head, nothing. i didn't care. she made me care. seeing something like that, experiencing it in a way no one will ever understand - changed me.

i can't begin to explain the effect. you've had so much effect on me, and you don't even know me anymore. i don't think you even effected yourself this much.

omg the cutest

Lovers turn into monsters at the loss of all affection
Almost like it was the affection that kept them from being monsters
And I could have used some warning

that reminds me of him to an extreme extent, only , you went from a monster to one in disguise. i wish you'd give up.

i'm going to appologize in adavance for all the harm i'm going to cause everyone by being myself. i guess its been proven over theese last couple weeks that being myself isn't always the best thing. i want to appologize for the way i treated you in the past for being myself. basically, this is a sorry out to everyone. everyone i ever annoyed, everyone i ever talked to, everyone i ever maybe made a remark at. i'm sorry that i'm not the type of person you like, i'm sorry that i make a fool out of myself. and last but not least, i'm sorry that i can't force myself to change. not for anyone. ( this has nothing to do with whats going on with the current situation, more to do with the fact that that situation opened up my eyes to the person i am . )

i really miss how carefree it all was before - and how i didn't have to deeply rethink my life every day.



i really miss all of this. more than you guys could understand. i miss having friends i could hang out with, in general. i have people at school - but no one anywhere else. i want people that will go to the mall with me. i want people that will go the movies with me. i want people that will play dress up with me and take scene myspace pictures - and not thinks its a stupid idea, but see the fun in it. i want a person to call my best friend again. i want to be back at south, and i hate not having the social life i once had.

but mostly, i miss the people and i miss how those people never use to judge me and try to change my life for me. i've always had people that accepted me for me, and i thank each and everyone pictured above for doing that. for not wanting to change the person i am. i wish i had someone other than joe to turn to right now, and to tell me that i'm not all the things shes saying i am. someone that will understand that underneath theese smiles and all this hard work, i'm really hurt by this situation and i'm not just doing it to get back at her. i'm not saying ANY of this for you guys to feel bad for me. i just want to have this bulletin as the last thing i say in this whole fight thats evern CLOSE to regarding the situation. myspace has been used for things stupider than this before.

I'm sorry for who i was, what i am, and who i might become.

i just want it to be known -
i just BEASTED that consecutive integers test - AND i'm gonna beast my stoichiometry test next hour.
I BET CHU. :D

minus not having any idea what school i'm going to next year - my life seems pretty set in stone - and belive it or not, i'm really happy about that. i know exactly what i'll be doing five years from now, and that makes me happy.

yay life. hahaha.

i don't understand why i ever got into drugs or alchohol, but i can definatly understand why i got out of it. i can see now what happened to my parents, and how they are now . it makes me sick. i don't want to have to pull my mom off the couch again because shes too drunk to move. i don't want to have to deal with my mom hitting me because i'm trying to put her to sleep. i don't want all that to happen again.

i really don't think i can take it if that replays itself, but for some reason i think its going to. i'm not exited. i can see already that they're getting back into drugs, i see them come home every night wired. i can't take this too much. i really don't think i should have to. they're both ATLEAST 40 years old, you'd think they'd grow up by now. my dad is such a drug addict. i know i have never staright up said that before, but its true. i really think hes one everything - and i think he does it on the daily. i don't even know if i have ever seen them sober - because really, how would i know ? they could act normal on drugs , i wouldnt know. i know they've been into it since i was a kid , so i don't know. i hate it. i just got out of a depression - i'm not getting back into another one ( beacuse this time i might not be able to make it out of it without getting really hurt. whenever i ask for help, i never get it )

they've been going out everynight this week - and i can't take it. i now know why they didn't pound me so hard when they found out i was getting high, or why they didnt ground me when i had a hangover. because they'd be hypocrites.

i hate this part of my life.