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(no subject)

Sep. 6th, 2011 | 01:25 am

my best. you can have it, if you want itCollapse )

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so is this what you wanted? too bad, its what you got.

Sep. 15th, 2010 | 01:41 pm

i get this weird feeling sometimes when i wish that my life would have skipped over the age of 17. that i somehow could have just turned 18 without ever being 17. but then i think about, and i wouldn't give up a damn thing really. brayden is the love of my life, and i don't know where i would be without him. okay, maybe i do, and maybe it would be in a better place then where i am now - but it wouldn't be right. he completes me. i don't know if i could live my life without his love in it anymore. he radiates love. just hugging him can automatically bring a smile to my face, for no reason. he warms me up, even when hes cold. a mothers love for her child is irreplacable, i've never felt anything like this before.

you'd think i'd be happy i'm getting a day off right now, you'd think i'd be finding something to do.. but i'm not. i just want to see my baby before i go to work. i want to hug him and play with him and take him up to the park, read him a book, try to get him to eat. the struggles are part of my day now, and it feels weird without them. i feel useless when hes not around. hes my reason for living now. it use to be joseph, i lived for him. now i live for brayden, and nothing will ever work unless hes involved.

i can't just date people. i can't just try out a relationship. i've given up a lot of chances i could have possibly had because i thought logically about how it would be with brayden around, and for some reason the idea of another guy around my son really weirds me out. i don't like it at all. i kind of have this idea in my head that me and brayden are going to end up alone, and i guess i'm okay with that. like i'm alright with living just me and him...well obviously i'd rather it be me him and you, but i'm starting to realise that its just not going to happen. we're not the future you want, at all. we can be okay sometimes, but i'm not what you're looking for in a girl. you want a mute who just goes with everything, thats not me. i'm not the girl you want. i don't even think you like me.

i don't really think anyone likes me, to be quite honest. i don't think i'm that likeable. temporary maybe, but definitely not always. i've never kept a friend for very long, i've never had anyone stick around. enver. not a single person i'm friends with now did i know like ten years ago. i'm almost twenty, and yet i can't think of more than five people who would give a shit if i called/talked to them. they'd probably be annoyed. something about me embaresses people. they don't like to be seen/talk to me. i'm not high up on anyones list.

fuck love songs.

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(no subject)

Sep. 15th, 2010 | 12:47 pm

things i want to buy and how much it'll cost/how much saved:

camera (any crappy cheap one) - 0/$200
webcam (for skyping, to hold over until camera) - 0/$40
bleach and conditon (aveda) - 15/$50
clothes for me (h&m forever21, winter shit) - 0/$100
clothes for brayden (target h&m, winter) - 0/$50
car - 0/$2500

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(no subject)

Jun. 30th, 2010 | 03:09 pm

i don't think i've felt such an extreme dislike for anyone in my entire life. i honest to god hope that this is the final feelings i'm going to feel for you. you've been nothing but negative for the last cuople months and i don't need this shit. keep bringing me down EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY and making all of your friends think i'm needy and obsessive when in reality that wasn't the case one bit. you can ask ANYONE and they all know the way you treat me. i was never a girlfriend, i was just someone that was there when YOU needed me and never when i needed you. it was so one-sided its not even funny. you want me to give up? well i am. and i hope you're happy. because if you treat any other girl the way you've treated me then have fun living a love-less life. i put EVERYTHING into this and got nothing back. i've felt love before, and never once did i feel that from you. you would have taken whatever you could have got at the beginning, the fact that i was a willing girl and somewhat attractive just made it better, but it could have been anyone because you needed a girlfriend to move up on the social ladder that you were stuck on. i don't regret much, but i fucking do regret this. i regret being played for 3 years of my life by you. i regret being so emotionally abused by you. i regret being treated like i'm NOTHING for no reason. i'm a nice girl. i really am. i don't think even your friends will say i'm not. and i know i'm atleast slightly attractive considering the attention i've gotten, so you're missing out. you're missing out big time. and next time you're fucking missing me, don't call. don't text. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. because i can't even think of one thing i like about you right now. i can't think about one thing that makes me miss you. i miss the IDEA of you. i miss always having someone there and always having someone i can talk to whenever i need them because you KNOW i have no one else. i miss being able to want to do something and being able to do it right away because you had a car and you were there. it wasn't your personality i wanted to be around, it was just a human in general that i needed to get done what i wanted to get done. HAVE FUN BEING A MAN. HAVE FUN WITH YOUR BOY TIME. pretty soon they're all gonna grow up too. you gave up a perfect life, full of love and happiness to be with them and guess what? i don't think a single one would give that up for you. kirks gonna get married to aubrey at one point, they're gonna have children. chris is YOU KNOW gonna find someone and pay more time to them then to you. all tim wants is love, and as soon as he finds it he'll be happy. they're all going to be like 20-30 something and married and have a family and be happy. you'll be living where you are, with no one because thats what you thought you wanted. and i bet if you call me, i'll have found someone else. because i actually really really crave love in my life. i crave companionship. its the point to living for me. i NEED someone to live for. so i'm not going to waste my time being single, i'm not, and i've told you that. i won't think twice if i find someone, obviously i wished it was you, but you've made it clear it never will be again so why should i wait? theres no necessary need for me to wait. you're fucking heartless. your video games mean more to you then your future. i know i'm a bitch, what i'm typing right now is making me the biggest bitch in the world, but i don't fucking care. you just gave me what i need to have the motivation to move on. i'm gonna dye my hair, i'm gonna loose weight, i'm gonna get a better job, i'm gonna get my license as soon as possible, i'm gonna save up, i'm gonna get a car, and i'm GOING to find someone that will love me that i can love back. i'm gonna find someone that wants that girl in there future. i want to be the mom who sits in the kitchen all day and makes dinner, and cleans and makes her husband happy. i'm gonna have a ton of kids, and i'm going to take great care of them. because i live for someone else. i can feel it in my bones. its not me being not-independent, its just what i want my future to look like. obviously the man loves me, too. he brings me home flowers just to show me he cares, we have weekend date nights. we laugh, we lay in bed reading books together and etc. you wuold have never been that for me. you would have yelled at me when i asked you to come to bed with me, you would have gone into your man cave 24/7 to talk to your guys and play games. life was never about love for you. it was always about yuo. and only you. your life will always revolve around you. you want to be a planet without any moons. you don't want to care about anyone else. that sounds terrible to you.

so fuck this. we were never meant to be. i gave up something that i actually thought was magical to be with you. i gave up on trying for something that could have possibly turned out the way i wanted above. and i fucked that up because i thought you were worth something. because you use to open my door, and pay for my things. because you use to come over when i was crying and want to make me happy.you use to tell me you love me voluntarily. you'd see sex in the city just because you knew it'd make me happy, with no other alterior motives other than maybe wanting to make out during the movie. you loved to touch me. that man is GONE. one hundred percent.

fuck this. fuck it. i'm done. you're not what i want anymore and i'm sick of trying to change you back to the way you were better.





without love, there is nothing.

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i think ami wrote this

Jun. 27th, 2010 | 05:29 pm

Late night phone calls that end in surprise
I can't believe you would give up your dignity
just to take a ride with me
And how does it feel to be used
climb in the back seat
like luggage
whores don't trip, they bleed on the tapestry
whores don't trip, they bleed at the bar
Its your persistence that makes me sick its not the sight of your face
And now I am so faint caught up in just this way I know that you can be more then this

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(no subject)

Jun. 18th, 2010 | 10:56 pm

you can set sail to the west if you want to. pass the horizon so i can't even see you, far from here where the beaches are wide just leave me your wake to remember you by.

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(no subject)

Jun. 15th, 2010 | 02:37 am

everyone has secrets. you're mine.

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without love there is nothing

Jun. 10th, 2010 | 10:08 pm

why do i miss you so much? why do i want to just be in your arms right now, cuddeling and kissing. i miss being around you. i've been thinking up a date to take you on.. but its like my head/heart/body are all thinking a hundred different things. this sucks. i miss you. i don't know why its so hard.


when i gave brayden his bath tonight i almost started crying. i was pouring water on him and i just kept wishing you were behind me looking down at us and smiling. i wish it was a family moment but according to you we're not a family anymore. this sucks. why am i so upset?! !Jhkjsdhfds f:(

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(no subject)

Jun. 10th, 2010 | 12:13 am

i can't stop crying. i keep thinking back and remembering us laying in bed together, cuddeling up to you and kissing you. just the feeling of you being there. the feeling of your arms around me... how soft your skin feels. i miss it so much. i miss you so much it hurts.. i feel like i haven't seen you in months. i miss you.. i really do. and you won't even text me back now. i just want to cry so much. thats all i can do. i just watched the glee finale and balled my eyes out.. but not because of glee. because of you. why'd you have to do this? why'd you break my heart again? and i know i shouldn't give in to you again.. not that i think you'll even try because i'm sure you won't.. it just makes me look pathetic. i'm not. i'm just... i hate being lonley. and i love you.

it kills me taht i don't think you'll try to get back with me. i think you're happy we broke up. i don't think you love me. and it just makes me even sadder that i'm the only one crying about this. i can't stop and you're just happy. you're just smoking weed and hanging out with your friends being happy. i'm crying and taking care of our baby.

this sucks so bad. i feel like my life is falling apart. i have nothing. no one. i live at home. i have a shitty job. i'm not going to college. i don't have my license. i had a baby at 18. i lost all of my friends. i lost my personality. my body is a mess. i'm so much uglier than i use to be. i'm pale all the time. i feel like shit. no one wants to be around me. my family yells at me all the time. i can't be the person anyone wants me to be.

you have no idea how many times i consider getting dressed, grabbing my bag, and heading out the door and not coming back. braydens the ONLY thing that stops me. the ONLY thing. if he wasn't there i would go. my life is terrible. its honestly fallen apart. hes all i have. watching him grow is the only thing putting a smile ever on my face. i love him more than the earth... but i don't get why i can't be a mom and be happy too. its not fair.

see, i'm crying again. UGH FUCK THIS. :(

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(no subject)

May. 30th, 2010 | 07:36 pm

to do list:
FINISH READING THIS DAMN FANFIC SO IT STOPS TAKING OVER MY LIFE

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